Substack has updated and I’m not loving it.

Old head moment. Hi, here I am. I don’t care! Expressing from this place because I am here.

How often do you filter your words for others? How often do you express from your chest? Deep discomfort, disbelief, unrest. Jesus. This place in me is asking to be HEARD FELT SAID! Don’t even know what wants to come out of my head.

So, here I am. Again and again. I can filter it or I can show up with my chest. You are processing with me, in this moment, right now. I uploaded two YouTube videos. Talked to friends. Ate food. Walked around. I’ve stayed up late every night. I slept through half a day. I’m in a hammock outside. The cool air on my skin. There’s crickets chirping. And sometimes, I ask WHY? What is this voice that calls to me inside?

Today it’s not gentle. Today it wants to shout. Love is the work of wrestlers. So what’s the work of artists found? Wrestling with the pain. Finding a voice in it. I haven’t even been cracked that deeply. Still, I find myself plagued with it.

No more pretty words. What does my chest want to say? Can I go one entry without mentioning God’s name? (that’s one point off - whoops).

I really like the air outside. It is gentle and sweet. I really like the bugs calling. My favorite sounds, to fall asleep. I’m remembering I drank coffee today. I try to stay away from caffeine. It’s not that it’s bad - it just tugs at the wrong parts of me.

Who cares? What matters? Truly, what does? Expressing what’s real? Expressing what’s light and love? Being here now, frustration in my core. Wanting to yell it out. Move it from me to the world. What’s the source? Too big to ask. How to fill it? Haven’t gotten that one yet.

I used to be so afraid. So fucking done with that. I don’t care anymore. I am chaos! I am blessed. I don’t care to be something that fits pretty into your world. I don’t care to be expansive 24/7 or to be a hot girl.

I used to reject my femininity. In a multitude of ways. I felt like I wanted to scream. Stop putting me in this path you’ve paved!!! No, it’s not your fault. And stop asking me to be less. No, it’s not your fault. And I don’t care to be my best. A better version of me. Always around the corner. What about right now? Why did I always have to be more pretty? More accomplished? More found?

I find me in these moments here. Solitude and peace. Crying out of my heart’s truth. Frustration when I can’t find the voice to speak. On FaceTime with the people I love. Even they can’t touch this core. Something inside of me wants to scream. Something asks for more more more.

More what? More love? More connection? More pain? I want to experience all of it. I want to be broken and whole again.

This is going to come back to bite me. Sure, I’m sure of that. Someday I’ll be in the pain again. Deep deep down in the mud of it.

Today, I’m okay. Entertaining the thoughts. It’s like a game. Found and then lost.

Today, I am here. Trying to melt my own core. Wanting to feel my heart. Bodywork has helped me with that, for sure.

So, what’s next? God, show me the doors. Can’t go a moment without it. God, you know me in my core.

So, what’s next? Knowing myself more. Here in this body for a reason. What does she have to be in this world?

(yes, nothing. and everything at once. the entire universe here. in the trees that shuffle their leaves next to me).

Okay, what else? Still feeling the feeling rise in me. Okay, what else? I’m just glad you’re here to feel and see.

“What else” has been the question rising as of late. I ask it as a challenge. What else to thrust into this space? What else, what else? Release it all. The anger generates in you. Hear it, feel it, heed its call.

And move it. Don’t keep that shit in you. When you’re generating it constantly, that’s something to look at. And move through.

Anger is a strong emotion. It tells you something must be done. Frustration is its whiny sister. It tells you, “why?” and “hm?”, and hum.

So, hum. Feel it. Let it stir in your core. So, hum. Feel it. Don’t push it away anymore. So, hum. Something. Is moving through these doors. So, hum. Here I am. And here I’ll leave you, with these words.

PEACE LOVE XO SOPH